On Valentine’s Day I woke up feeling super “wonky” (there’s no better word) and extremely tired. In fact, I’d been feeling abnormally tired for a few weeks, but I thought it was a result of my overly packed schedule. Turns out, I was pregnant. My first pregnancy ever…five days later, I got the phone call that I had an impending miscarriage and that the pregnancy would disappear within a week.
I can’t even begin to describe the grief that followed, and still follows. The night of that phone call I met some friends for a movie hoping the distraction would do me good. We saw 50 Shades of Grey and although the song on the soundtrack by Ellie Goulding is likely meant to be a love song, it held different meaning for me that night as the only thing I could think about was the baby in my body that was slowly, but surely, disappearing.
To the baby I lost, the baby I loved, and the baby I still dream of meeting, I sing…
You’re the light, you’re the night
You’re the color of my blood
You’re the cure, you’re the pain
You’re the only thing I wanna touch
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much
You’re the fear, I don’t care
Cause I’ve never been so high
Follow me through the dark
Let me take you past our satellites
You can see the world you brought to life, to life
To my Lord, who I’m often angry at and confused by, I sing this prayer…
So love me like you do, love me like you do
Love me like you do, love me like you do
Touch me like you do, touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?!
Knowing that I was losing the only thing that’s made me sublimely happy in three years I felt I was…
Fading in, fading out
On the edge of paradise
Every inch of your skin is a holy grail I’ve got to find
Only you can set my heart on fire, on fire
And to my Lord again…
Yeah, I’ll let you set the pace
Cause I’m not thinking straight
My head spinning around I can’t see clear no more
What are you waiting for?!
Love me like you do, love me like you do
Love me like you do, love me like you do
Touch me like you do, touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?!
The pain of losing a baby is unmatched by anything I’ve felt before, but I can’t be angry anymore…it’s too toxic. The only way I can find the strength to go on trying and the peace I need for my sanity is to view this pregnancy as a “rainbow” from God. The skies opened up and he said, “Hey you, don’t give up yet. I’m giving you a glimmer of how great things will be one day, but it’s not time yet. Hold on tight, babygirl. Your baby is still coming”
Lord, love me like you do. Touch me like you have touched others and make me a mama.
Source: http://www.directlyrics.com/ellie-goulding-love-me-like-you-do-lyrics.html
whole heart 
Oh God you have right and made me cry. I love THAT song. Really, I love it. And it has a special meaning for me and my baby boy too. I really love your post. I had a miscarriage two years ago. It was a baby I conceived on Valentine’s day. I know exactly how much it hurts, but please take heart, your baby IS still coming! I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you truly all the best. God Bless You!
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It has so many layers of meaning for me. When I hear it I have to lift my hands in prayer and ask God to love me like he’s loved others and bless me with a baby. Science only goes so far, God’s gonna get the credit for my baby…the medicines & the science only work because he allows them to. Ultimately he creates life, right?
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